It all continues

Over here ---> ivoryocean.com/sjanedaily

Been awhile...

Haven't blogged in a while. I've been keeping myself busy I suppose. Buying shelves for my apartment, working on a CD design, spending time with Bruce and PJ. They leave for London in less than two weeks. I'm trying to plan on visiting them for at least a week. I'd love to do two so that me and PJ can go to Munich.

The excitement of being able to show someone where I grew up is so much I can't contain! I've never been able to do that, show someone the playground I used to play on, the trail we'd walk to school, the S-bahn to downtown my mom and I took to go shopping downtown. I'd love to show those things to PJ!

Anyway, I need to post some photos of my new apartment soon. I need to get it cleaned up first.

My brother and me

I heart my brother :)

Harry and the Potters

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Originally uploaded by ivoryocean

This weekend I went to see Harry and the Potters in Fountain Square. I had an amazing time hanging out with Stephen and his friends and my brother as well. They were so goofy and dorky and silly! I laughed so much! It was an excellent show and I'm glad I broke down and spent my money on 2 shirts - one with Harry and the Potters and the other with Draco and the Malfoys (opening band). Fun fun.

My lust for going back to Germany hasn't changed other than the fact it's getting stronger. The only thing I can do right now is dream, watch german movies, and listen to german music. Just the sound of the language brings me memories. Soon....soon.

My Euro Home

I have been missing München like crazy lately! I need to make a trip out there soon or I am going to burst.

Apartment

I don't have internet in my apartment, therefor I'm not posting as much. I miss blogging.

This will make no sense to you at all

You have no idea how happy it makes me that I have a psychiatric property in my portfolio.

Apartment

I love it, but I haven't had any oppurtunity to love it since I've been sick.

I'm getting better though, and should be able to enjoy it soon.

New beginning

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Originally uploaded by ivoryocean

Today is the day. Moving day. I sign the lease in less than an hour! I can't wait. Goodbye old studio, brick walls, noisy AC, and tile floors. Hello one bedroom, big windows, hardwood floors, and separate kitchen.

The Fourth

Yesterday, Ray and I went to the lake and sailed with Dick Lutin on his boat. It was great. The wind was perfect for sailing and the air smelled fresh. I wish I could have stayed there all day, but Ray and I made plans for another BBQ at the Dorsey's. On our way out, though, Ray's car got a flat tire, and it took quite some time to get the spare on. Poor Ray.


After we finally got on our way, we went to the BBQ and met up with all of our friends, ate burgers and played dominos (courtesy of Tim).

Later that evening, Ray, Matt H., Tim, Rachel, Joe and I went to Fountain Square to watched the fireworks. We marveled at the chaos in the sky as all the fireworks that ever existed went off. It was beautiful, but I began to tire after the downtown show. With all the people and noises, my mind was starting to get agitated and nervous. I drove home paranoid as I heard booms and cracks.

When I got to my home, I was blocked by teens at a punk/rock show, trying to act "cool" and with my agitation, wanting to kick them - but I didn't, because all I wanted to do was hit the hay. They were in the gym, too. Throwing balls with all there might at the wall that is adjacent to my apartment. I sighed and recited the mantra "I will be moved away from here soon, I will be moved away from here soon, I will..." Almost on the train to sleepytown, when BOOM! I awoke. Again.

This continued for at least 30 minutes, until the fireworks and basketball finally subsided.

It feels like a Monday today.

And it starts to set in.

I'm moving this weekend. I'm moving this weekend. It's only two blocks from where I am now, but wow. Saying it outloud makes it sound more surreal. I'm still not completely packed. That makes me nervous. I'm procrastinating moving into a better place. Go figure. My artwork is going to be the hardest to move. I think I'll have to do that first thing after signing the lease on Saturday. Wow. I'm signing a lease on Saturday. This is so great. I'm so excited and shocked at once. My own place, legally. My one bedroom apartment downtown in the city. Saying that makes me smile. I have so much to give thanks for, and this is one of them.

I am going to miss watching the pigeons on the rooftop from my window though, I'm sure they'll miss me, too. ;)

Cute boy from floor 5...

...rocking a pink striped shirt and white pants. *blush*

Photoshoot

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Originally uploaded by ivoryocean

Yet another successful photoshoot with Brandon Anderson + friends. More on my Flickr site. He looks like Ben Affleck in this shot :)

Sleeping visitor

I discovered this little one sleeping on my window sill right where my laptop is. She's been hanging around the rooftops within the past week. Guardian angel? :)

ugg

My stomach is against me today.

IMAF

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Originally uploaded by ivoryocean

Another batch of film developed yesterday evening. Photos of the IMAF festival that I attended this past Saturday. It was a blast! I'll post some more shots later tonight when I get home.

PJ and I are hanging out today. Hurrah!

Reborn

I am so grateful at life right now. New job, new outlook, new respect for life, new faith, and (soon) new apartment. I gave my deposit for my new apartment and I'll be signing a lease and moving in on the 7th of July. Did I mention I am so grateful??

I feel so refreshed, like someone broke the chains that were holding me back and weighing me down. I am so happy. I can't explain it. I smile all the time. I cry more tears of joy than I do of sorrow. My eyes have been opened and my heart filled with love.

Positive

Positive thoughts, positive thoughts, positive thoughts.

I put in my application today and I'll know by Friday if I'm approved.

Positive thoughts, positive thoughts, positive thoughts.

It will be fine. I know it.

Positive thoughts, positive thoughts, positive thoughts.

Evening

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Originally uploaded by ivoryocean

PJ, Ray, Bethy, Wolfy and I ate dinner at the new Tappas place on Ohio and Delaware called Barcelona. It was really tasty and overwhelming with all the food and wine. I loved it. Afterwards we took a stroll downtown and took fun cell phone photos. I really need to get my pocket cam soon. As soon as I get a check from Greg Z I'm going to buy the Fuji f40, I've decided.

Tonight really brought me out of my bad mood. I found the apartment I want, but there are some hurdles. I'll be sad if I don't get it because it's perfect for me, but if I don't- 'ce la vie'. It will be ok. I'll survive.

I'm crossing my fingers though.

Gah

Why do I become such a weak person sometimes. I just want to cry.

Body Image

I don't know how I feel about my body. Some days I love the way I look, other days I loath it and wish I never went outside. Where did this all come from. It's so easy to blame fashion magazins, but I still buy them. I think it's more than that. Psychological? Maybe even genetic?

I came across a website that was pro-anorexia yesterday and it frighted me that young girls actually enjoyed starving themselves so they can look like a skeleton. And they found it beautiful!

Ridiculous.

Observation

So I didn't actually overexpose or over develop my photos this morning, the emulsion is just dense.

BBQ

Another batch of film from the barbeque last night at the Bennedicts.
HP5 400 - Developed in my studio, photographed with my Sony digital in front of a lightbox, inverted and adjusted curves in photoshop (resized and logo'd).

Overexposed this batch. Oh well.

Results

Results of my test rolls I developed last night.







Photographed with my Sony digital in front of a lightbox, inverted and adjusted curves in photoshop (resized and logo'd).

Fear of Film

I finally got myself going in developing my own film. I have a bunch of black and white film, but I don't want to pay god awful prices to get it developed so I did it myself with some chemicals I picked up last November. Yes, it took me that long to get in gear. I guess I was kind of scared I would mess up the film, but after taking a look at it, they look fine! I can't wait to do some more rolls. I always do that with tasks I've never done before. I get scared and put it off or never do it. Then I tell myself "There is nothing to be scared of, if you mess up, you mess up, no big deal". Then I finally do it and it's usually something I end up loving. So silly.

The Bus

Completely dissapointed this morning. My usual muffin breakfast that I anticipated turned out covered in mold this morning. Yuck.

I went on a bike ride yesterday with my brother. We talked about living situations and I think I've come to the conclusion that what is best for me, physically and financially, is a one bedroom apartment. Even though it would be great to have an extra bedroom for arts and crafts, I don't need it right now. If I can make a studio work, I can make a 1 bedroom work.

There have been so many strange people on the bus lately. It makes me feel like a full moon is coming on. The lady talking about the gas that makes you sleep and when you sleep the people from the black lagoon carry you into the air and take your money was a classic. There was a super timid lady carrying a rosery in one hand and a bus pass in the other asking for 50 cents. Or how about the guy who looks like Milton from Office Space who talked to himself. I could never forget the guy with XVII in bright electric blue on his hat, and when he took his hat off he had the exact (exact meaning size, color, outline) tattooed on the back of his head in the same spot. Then there's the predictable creepy guy from bus 19, who sat next to me even though he already had a seat. He had a giant purple teddy bear one day. Oh, and not just the riders but the drivers, too. James, the 19 morning bus is cool, but the afternoon 19 is mean (19! Castelton!), asking for an ID to ride. I never rode a bus that needed ID as long as you had your pass.

I need to draw these people and make a book.

Cycle

My 2 hour bike ride was just as awesome as I had predicted. My brother and I rode down the Canal, White River, Downtown, and thru alleys. It feels so good drinking this cool diet tea. Man, I feel like I want to ride everyday now.

I do need a new bike seat, and my bike sure could use a tuneup after the long winter.

I think tomorrow I'll bike alone to Fountain Square and see if that house is still for rent, and maybe just ride around if I see any other places.

I saw a few today on Central for rent. I think I might check those out as well.

I'm so glad I don't have any side projects going on right now. I think I'm going to take a nice long shower and then lay down and relax. I haven't done that in a long while.

Weekend

Yesterday after spending a wasted 4 hours in the office, I went on a bike ride with my brother. I almost had forgotten how fun it was to ride. I'm going to try to set up a ride with my brother every Tuesdays and Thursdays.

Also, I rode over to Wes's going away barbeque where there was a whole roasted pig. I'll spare you the photo of it's head, but if you wish to see it, it's on my flickr site. I think I stayed there till about 10pm chatting with old and new friends over glasses of wine. When I was riding back I saw the lovely moon (pictured). Beautiful clear sky with a thin slice of moon and bright star near. It reminded me of the cartoon, Wynken, Blynken & Nod. There was a scene where the goddess of hunt, Diana, shot an arrow, using this kind of moon as a bow.

Today I visited Gregor at the hospital. I'm glad he's doing well. Then, I went grocery shopping on a budget at Trader Joe's and was only $4 over. I was very pleased with myself. I checked out some awesome but pricey condos. They were a bit small for the price but they had an underground garage and rooftop patio. I'm still on the apartment search. This week will be very busy.

Home

I need to make a decision, but I'm scared to do so. It's a decision that will change a lot of things in my life right now and futre things that I look forward to. I'm really not sure what to do in this situationn. It's one of those decisions that "grown-ups" make, and of course, I don't feel like a grown up yet. I don't feel like I can make a decision like this and realize the impact that will be revealed in the future to come.

All I want is a home to call my own. Isn't that what everyone wants? Indianapolis is the closest I've ever felt to having an attainable home. Germany has and will always be my hometown, but I don't see myself living there anymore. Not like I used to dream. I think I've fianally let go and realized that my hometown should stay what it is, the place I grew up, not the place I will grow old.

Something inside me is settling. I'm tired of searching for home. I like it here. I feel like I'm home. I've not felt like this before, to my knowledge. It's a great feeling, but it still comes with hard decisions.

My life recently has been full of uncertainty, and that's the only thing I can be sure of.

Update

I do hope it rains today. The weather calls for it, but as long as I've been here you can't count on the weather reports. Especially when it comes to rain and snow.
I could use a good thunderstorm.

My apartment is finally clean and I set up a lovely little nook for my sewing. I can't wait to get started on some sewing projects I've been holding back on for what seems like eons.

I have my very, very last meeting with Greg Z about this CD design project (I hope!). Hopefully, it won't be too time consuming and I can finish up everything before bedtime tonight.

And lastly, I've contacted someone about apartments in Fountain Square. I'm nervous.

Growing up

Such a strange thing it is to grow older. My mind has changed. I have changed. People I used to know have changed. Life is changing.

I've been thinking a lot about moving since my emails from certain someones. I'm uncertain of where I want to be. Moving is a scary thing. It's a step in a new direction. My body is energized by the thought of it though. I would love to be in a house, but due to financial issues from my past I don't think it's possible.

I think I would rent for a year. House or 2 bedroom apartment. So I can find myself and find where I want to be. Where I need to be.

I've been cleaning and organizing and throwing things away all afternoon and into the evening. I'm tired, but it feels great. I hung my art all over my apartment so it wouldn't sit in a corner and I put on new bedsheets.

I want to grow in a different place though. This apartment is so secluded and makes me feel alone.

Downtime

One of my friends is in the hospital with a possible virus that attacked his heart. It's not looking good but I hope for the best.

I feel pressured to move out by my landlady. I want to move but I need to get my finances strait first.

I feel weak and overweight. I need to start using the gym in my work building.

Roadtrip

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Originally uploaded by ivoryocean.

I had a great weekend in Kentucky. We camped in Tonya's moms' backyard. We also went to the international barbeque festival which was very loud and crowded and gave me a headache, but overall it was fun.

On another note, I think I snore, and I'm embarassed about it.

Monsters

I made a couple of monsters tonight.

Meet Kaylie (left) and Kalie (right):



Kaylie is going with me camping so she can have a home with my friend, Tonya's, daughter. Kalie is staying with me and joining the other monsters.

A Long Day

Yesterday felt terribly long, just because of all the things I needed to do in such a small amout of time. It all got done though, and that's what is important.

Tonight I'll be making a monster for Cozi. I haven't made a monster in a while. I need to make it child proof which makes me a bit nervous. I think I have a few ideas. I hope she likes it.

Not a whole lot of time for myself this weekend. But that's ok. I'll have all next week to get myself organized and pampered.

I can't wait.

Night

I had a great time. I'm glad we're just friends.

Muse

I can't stop listening to Björk's new album Volta. It's amazing. So earthy. Grounded. Tribal. I'm drawn to the songs Innocence and I see who you are. Beautiful.

Yesterday, my brother, sister, and brother-in-law and I went to Santorini's Greek Restaurant for dinner and had a great meal dispite Fountain Square Rednecks. A funny story I would love to tell you but it is much better told in person.

We stopped over to P.J. and Bruce's to wish them a safe trip and I got Bruce's camping gear for this weekend. I'm going to try to sew up a mini-monster for Cozi's birthday.

Also, I'm finally finished with GregZ's CD design!! Woo! One last lookover and it's ready to print.

Tonight's the movie night. Yats and Spiderman sound like an excellent combination to me right now.

A Place for Me

I have one. My friend Elyce reassured me that by sending me 6 scanned pages of a story about a juggler. I adore my friends.

Dreams

So, been having some dreams about someone whom I know. They are nice dreams. This person has visited my dreams about 3 times now. This person called me for dinner and a movie yesterday. Hmm. It's not a date, I don't think. No, it can't be, we're friends. Hmm.

To counter attack my thinking process about this I've been drawing hands. Badly. I'm trying to get the knack of it. My Mom told me hands were the hardest object to draw, so therefore, I want to get better at it so it is not as hard.

Last nights Heroes viewing ended up a little later that expected. We started at 10:30ish and I think I got home at around 11:50 and went strait to bed. I woke up at 7:05; a good 50 minutes after my usual get up time. So I missed my first bus and caught another. Had to buy breakfast this morning. I should contact Greg Z to see if he could send me another check. My budget skills are not up to par just yet.

I can't wait for the weekend. Camping with the Beelers. Well, not real camping, but it will still be fun.

Self

I've been feeling a bit diconnected and selfish this weekend.

Disconnect:
Yesterday, we had a dinner picnic at Bruce and PJs and although I knew everyone I felt as if no one knew me. I sat alone on the stairs, watching people, then later sat on one of the blankets and zoned out at the calm sky. I think I get uncomfortable around families, because I don't have one.

Selfish:
I want what others have. A home, a husband, a family. Even though I know I'm not ready for all of that and I would give up so much for myself, I want it. I want to live in big house, I want to buy things I don't need, I want someone to come home to. I want, I want, I want. I sound like a little spoiled brat.

I don't know what to feel right now. I think I'm on my art low. I need to paint again.

I Need To Budget

I spent all day helping PJ prepare for her dinner tomorrow. Before that I splurged and bought 2 new pairs of shoes and some art supplies.

I'm exhausted.

Open Studio

I wasn't very happy with the turnout on open studio last night. I only had about 9 people come up within a 4 hour period. Everyone else suffered too.

Out of my first visitors a girl said that my "To My Death" piece was depressing after her friend said he wanted it. That made me smile because, well, it is a depressing painting that depicts a very depressing part of my life. Anyways, they asked me about my monsters. I think I need to start making them again.

I think I neglect my sewing machine because the way the thread underneath goes in is very frustrating and never works at the first try. I might go hunting for a new one while I'm at Hobby Lobby today.

I'm also going to check out Bates Art Supply store and see if I can pick up some new charcoals. I'm out of my best kind.

A Good Day

My doctors appointment went well. It was very uncomfortable, but nothing is wrong. I get a checkup in 6 months.

I invited my brother to dinner for his birthday tonight. He thought it would just be me and him but little did he know I was secretly arranging for all of his friends to join us! They did, and it was fabulous. He received cards and a piece of cake with 5 candles that everyone photographed with their cell phones (including me).

After a lovely evening of fine urban dining and cake. My brother helped me take down my paintings. I have to hang them in my studio tonight for open studio night tomorrow. Not looking forward to that task as I am full of delicious food and my mind is tired. Ah well, one more cigarette and I'll get to it.

Doctor Doctor

I really enjoyed group tonight, but all on my mind is a doctor's appointment tomorrow morning. I'm not looking forward to it. I will have to have my core poked and proded and tested to make sure I'm okay. I have no jewels for them to covet so I'm not looking forward to someone digging for gold when all there will be is flesh and blood.

I'm sure I'm overreacting and the process will go fine and I will be okay and it was just a fluke, a weirdness, but something deep, deep inside feels strange. Maybe my mind is playing tricks on me, like the shadows from the light of the moon that look like monsters on the wall before bedtime.

All I can do is go, and wait, and see.

Clear the Thoughts Away

After work yesterday, my brother picked me up and we went to Heidelberg Haus up on Pendleton. We met with Wolfy, Sammi and Candace. Surprisingly, Sammi and Candace beat us there, only because my brother got lost. Dinner was delicious. Conversation was even more so. After dinner, I purchased some marzipan treats, rosehip tea (my favorite) and a glass dish.

My brother and I left and drove down Pendleton, now turning to Mass Ave. and discovered a really neat church. I snapped a camera phone shot of it and made a note to go back to it for real photos soon. I need to but a mini digicam to drop in my purse. I don't want to lug a DSLR everwhere, although I'd love to have one.

My CD design meeting with Greg and Kriss went great. It's almost finished, a few photos here, a few text changes there, a proof print, and poof- a break from designing and a little extra cash in my pocket. Nice.

The lady who keeps asking me for cigarettes in the morning wasn't there. Darn, I was so determined to ignore her all together. I was even looking forward to it. Does that make me a bad person?

Reflections and Heroes

I scanned in some of the Fountain Square photos at my brother's office--again...note to self: buy a scanner, preferably with a film/slide tray--Sorry, tangent, yes, Fountain Square photos. This one is my favorite of the 6 I showed. This photo makes me long to do a series on shop window reflections. I know, cliché...but I've never done it, so there. /end childishness.

Tonight's episode of Heroes was excellent. PJ and I sat on the porch and spoke our theories on next week's episode. Is it Monday yet?

I can't wait to be finished with this CD design. I'm so drained right now. Body and mind are thirsting for a glass of relaxation on the rocks.

Music and Lamb

I bought Tracy Thorn's new album yesterday before hanging out with David. I haven't taken it out of my CD player, so nice. Wolfy's show last night ended up being to late for me to see them perform, but he was forgiving. I saw another band earlier that I enjoyed though. Which is always a bonus when going somewhere to hear bands and not knowing them.

Today was a delicious Sunday. I tasted lamb for the first time, and it was good. I enjoyed the afternoon indulging in food and wine with great people.

As a bonus today, I found $5 in the pocket of my jeans that were going to be washed.

Ebenezer

Yesterday was wonderful. After a productive workday, my brother offered to pick me up so that we could get ready for the show. We made a pit stop to my apartment so that I could pick up the extra photographs and my crocheted cloche. Then we went to his office so that I could deposit a check. (Note to self: buy a scanner).

We were off to the Wheeler Arts building in Fountain Square at around 6pm. Setting up were all my friends and we got everything ready just in time. I was so glad that my photographs were part of this project. I was assigned to be merch-girl and David as the merch-boy during the performance and we sold about 40 CDs and made about $200!

The show was excellent; 5 songs about Fountain Square played so lovely by my friends. (If you want to check them out you can, here).

Afterwards, we headed to Lockerbie Square for a little celebration. That night was the first time I was in a bar for drinking since last month. It felt different. I only had one beer. I knew I was in excellent company.

Bethy dropped me off at home and before hitting the sack I read up on my new PostSecret book.

Of Coffee and Anarchy

Today was a lovely day. It rained on and off and still there is a freshness in the air. Similar to that of the desert except gritty. Jenny and I traveled to a local coffee shop on the Circle and spoke of my new job, an article about bottled water I'm curious about, pocketmods, and salt instead of sugar. I almost had coffee on my shirt from that one. Jenny's so intellectual, I love conversations with her.

After arriving back to my apartment she asked me if I knew what anarchy was. I know of it, but I couldn't really giver her a clear definition. Of course, we wikipedia'd it. Learn something new everyday, even if it was something you were already a bit aware of.

I look forward to tomorrow. I'll have photography displayed for the Fountain Square fundraiser. Not only that, but it's Friday. Friday's are great, although not as good as Thursdays in my opinion. Good things always happen to me on Thursdays.